i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I think a kid would responsible me up
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
