I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
