Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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