No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
