boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
