you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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