My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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