new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
