Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
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