Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I didn't notice because vodka
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I look excited, but its just a facade.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
