I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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