I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
