I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
