ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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