Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
