It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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