my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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