He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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