I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
