I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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