there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
