Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
