I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
