happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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