You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
