you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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