WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
