and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
