The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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