Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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