New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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