I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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