we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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