He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
