You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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