3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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