I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
