____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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