Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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