my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
