she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
