Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
