I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
