that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
