my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
