Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
