I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
