so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
