yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
