I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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